By Bianca Gabay, RMHCI
Keeping the peace.
Not letting things get “too bad.”
And on the surface, that makes sense.
Of course we want to avoid pain, conflict, and disconnection.
But when it comes to your internal world – and your relationships – this definition falls short. Because things will go wrong and life is messy.
You will get triggered.
You will misunderstand each other.
You will feel hurt, reactive, shut down, or overwhelmed.
That’s not a failure.
That’s being human.
A Different Way to Think About Prevention
Prevention isn’t just avoiding problems. It’s building the capacity to meet yourself and others differently when problems inevitably arise.
Or even more simply:
It’s building the capacity to stay with yourself when things get hard.
This shifts the question from: How do I keep things from going wrong?
To: Can I stay connected to myself when things do go wrong?
Why Avoidance Doesn’t Protect Your Future
Many people try to prevent pain by:
- Avoiding hard conversations
- Holding things in
- Trying to stay “rational”
- Shutting down when things feel like too much
But often, what’s happening is something quieter:
You’re leaving yourself.
You override what you feel.
You disconnect from what matters.
You abandon your internal experience to keep things manageable.
And over time, this creates the very things you were trying to avoid – disconnection, resentment, and distance.
Not because something went wrong, but because you couldn’t stay with yourself when it did.
In relationships, disconnection isn’t the problem. It’s what happens after.
Every relationship moves through connection, disconnection, and repair. What shapes the future isn’t whether you disconnect – it’s whether you can stay long enough to repair.
What Prevention Actually Looks Like
Real prevention is much quieter than we expect.
It happens in moments like:
- Noticing the tightness in your chest before you react;
- Recognizing the urge to shut down or push away;
- Pausing instead of immediately acting on it;
- Letting yourself feel something uncomfortable without overriding it;
- Staying in the conversation – even if just a little longer.
These are subtle moments. But they are the moments where everything can shift. Because this is where you either leave yourself… or stay.
And every time you stay, even briefly, you begin to build something new.
The Missing Piece: Capacity
Most people don’t struggle because they don’t know better.
They struggle because, in the moment, they don’t have the capacity to stay.
- Notice what’s happening inside you;
- Tolerate the discomfort that comes with it;
- Stay present instead of automatically reacting or shutting down.
This isn’t about willpower. And it’s not about getting it “right.”
It’s about gradually expanding what you can be with. Because when your capacity is low, you default to protection: reactivity, control, withdrawal, avoidance.
When your capacity grows, those patterns start to loosen. Not because you forced them to – but because you no longer need them in the same way.
Building a Better Future (In Real Time)
We tend to think the future is shaped by big decisions. But it’s shaped in much smaller moments.
Moments where you notice yourself starting to leave or get smaller… and choose, even slightly, to stay and lean in.
Moments where you pause instead of react.
Where you feel instead of override.
Where you remain present instead of disconnecting.
These moments don’t look dramatic. But they change the trajectory of your relationships – and your life.
A Different Kind of Prevention
Maybe prevention isn’t about creating a life where nothing goes wrong.
Maybe it’s about becoming someone who can stay with themselves when it does.
Because every time you create a new experience within yourself, those automatic knee-jerk reactions shift into intentional proactive responses.
A Simple Daily Practice
Once a day, take 1–2 minutes to check in with yourself
What am I feeling right now?
Where do I notice it in my body?
Is there any place I’m overriding or rushing past my experience?
Then, instead of fixing anything, just pause.
Take a breath.
Stay with what’s there – just a few seconds longer than you normally would.
That’s it.
It may seem small, but this is how capacity is built. And over time, these small moments of staying become the foundation of self-trust – and a different kind of future.
P.S.
If you’re ready to date with more clarity, confidence, and purpose, we’d love to have you join us in or new workshop – The Love Lab, facilitated by Dr. Giardina and Vanessa Molina, LMFT.
Reserve your space by calling our office at 305-445-0477 or emailing us at info@coralgablescounseling.
