Attachment styles have been a hot topic over social media and a relatively new science that has gained momentum since the publication of Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller’s latest novel Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love. There have been some misinterpretations around what an attachment style is and how we develop one.
Routinely in America we tend to lean towards using the medical model as a guide to our understanding of different social phenomena which can result in an over simplistic view of whether something is categorized as healthy or unhealthy. Instead, to better understand attachment styles, we need to use the lens of research and the evolutionary basis of origin for a better understanding. The better question to ask ourselves is whether or not the attachment style we are prone to using is really working for us.
Human beings are social creatures naturally so our connections to those around us affects our basic physiology, in other words we feel safest through our closest connections (M.D., 2024). In Miami especially, it is easy to believe that material possessions are a solid representation of one’s success and overall happiness.
However, the real definition of success is only achieved through our close connections to others and more importantly how we feel others feel about us (M.D., 2024). We feel safest when we are close to those we can rely on and living in a city that favors material possessions over people can cloud our ability to understand what it takes to be truly happy.
Each attachment style has its perceivable advantages and disadvantages. Unlike what social media would have you believe that there are just overall healthy or unhealthy attachment styles. But, before we get to that, let’s clarify what the different attachment styles are and how they impact our ability to socially connect to others.
There are 3 main attachment styles identified in Levine and Heller’s book mentioned earlier. Attachment styles play a role in all of our interpersonal relationships (even though the book I referred to has more of a focus on romantic relationships). When identifying the different attachment styles we must focus on two domains: the first being, how comfortable we are with intimacy and closeness, and the second, how sensitive we are to the other person’s availability to us or “the potential danger within the relationship” (M.D., 2024).
The first attachment style to be discussed is secure attachment. When a person experiences secure attachment, they are extremely comfortable with closeness and intimacy. They usually get along with others easily. However, their radar or ability to detect potential danger in a relationship, will be almost non-existent making them more vulnerable to cheating partners or being taken advantage of (M.D., 2024).
Another common attachment style to be identified is anxious attachment. Anxious attachment individuals also love closeness and intimacy. However, their radar for potential danger in a relationship is hypersensitive making the slightest changes in a partner’s, colleague’s, or friend’s behavior a potential warning signal or threat to the relationship as a whole. It is almost as if these individuals have a sixth sense to potential cheating partners which positively makes them difficult to be cheated on, however, negatively can result in accusatory behaviors of their partners even when there is no danger of infidelity (M.D., 2024).
Finally, we will identify the third main attachment style, avoidant attachment. These individuals unlike the first two identified, greatly dislike too much closeness or intimacy and instead they emphasize independence and self-reliance. The paradox with this attachment style is in order for one to be truly independent we need to be able to depend on others. The book I mentioned earlier identifies this as the Dependency Paradox (M.D., 2024). Individuals with this attachment style feel uncomfortable with sharing their emotions and feel exposed in moments of closeness. You can see examples of all three of these attachment styles in as early as infant child developmental stages.
So, what does this all mean, and can our attachment styles change over our lifespan?
Attachment is a basic need that is separate from but just as important as food, water, and shelter (M.D., 2024). It is hard wired into our neurocircuitry from an evolutionary standpoint to attach to others in society for our own benefit. The attachment styles we have can shift over time and change in different environments as well with the different relationships we acquire. Each attachment style has its arguable strengths and weaknesses. The important thing to recognize is your own attachment style, examine your own beliefs about relationships, and whether or not they have been successful in securing healthy long-lived relationships. The most independent person still needs those in their life that they can rely on for support.
Our ability to form groups and collaborate with others is why we are so successful as a species (M.D., 2024). We have the ability to communicate and collaborate in ways other animals cannot which is an advantage granted by our ability to form attachments (M.D., 2024). Each of us has a set of beliefs and ideas about the world that are subject to change as our environment and world continues to change. So, the good news is if you’ve had a rough start in life during your childhood with forming secure attachments to others this can shift and improve with surrounding yourself with the right people.
Works Cited
Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. (2012). Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. TarcherPerigee.
M.D., A. L. (2024, March 5). Finding and Keeping Love with Attachment Science. (J. Harbinger, Interviewer)
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