By Jorge Sanchez, RMHCI
Let me start with something I hear all the time from parents sitting across from me in session: “I swore I’d never parent like my parents did. And then I opened my mouth and heard my mother.”
Sound familiar? I hear some version of that almost every week in my work with parents. And it makes complete sense — most parents didn’t sit down and consciously choose how they were going to parent. You absorbed it. The tone of voice, the reflexes, the way conflict was handled (or avoided). All of that gets carried into the room with your kids, usually without you realizing it, and before long you’’re reacting on autopilot — doing and saying the things you swore you’d never do or say.
That’s not a flaw. That’s just being human.
But what I’ve seen over and over is this: once a parent sees that pattern, they can’t unsee it. And that awareness…that’s actually where purposeful parenting begins.
Start With the End in Mind
Here’s a question I love asking parents early on: What do you actually want for your child — not right now, but eventually?
Not “I want them to stop hitting their sister.”
Not “I need them to listen the first time I ask.”
I mean the real, long-term stuff.
What kind of person do you hope they become?
Almost every parent answers the same way. They want their kids to be happy, healthy, confident; to be able to take care of themselves and connect with others; to be an all-around good person. That’s the goal of purposeful parenting — keeping that long view in front of you, even when you’re in the middle of a messier than usual Tuesday morning.
Every Kid Is Wired to Grow — But They Need the Right Conditions
Here’s something I find reassuring, and I think you will too: every child is born with a drive to learn, to grow, to connect with others, and to contribute. That’s not something you have to instill in them. It’s already there. But that drive gets blocked when basic needs go unmet. I’m not just talking about food and sleep (although those matter more than most people realize).
I’m also talking about the need to feel safe.
To feel loved.
To feel accepted for who they are, not just for what they do.
When those needs are consistently met, kids can do what they’re wired to do — learn, grow, take on challenges, bounce back from setbacks. When those needs aren’t met, stress builds; and chronic, overwhelming stress — what researchers call toxic stress — actually interferes with healthy brain development. It gets in the way of everything a parent hopes for their child.
So a huge part of parenting on purpose is simply this: reducing that toxic stress so your child’s natural drive to thrive can actually do its thing.
The Six Things Purposeful Parents Do
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services designated July as Purposeful Parenting Month in recognition of the increased time families spend together during the summer months. I want to share a framework developed by the American Academy of Pediatrics coined “The 6 P’s of Purposeful Parenting which organizes this parenting approach into six qualities:
Be Protective – This means making sure your child’s most basic needs are covered: enough food, enough sleep, a home that feels safe, and the knowledge that there’s always someone they trust in their corner. But here’s the thing — being protective doesn’t mean hovering. Over time, kids need to start feeling capable on their own. Part of protecting them is also stepping back enough to let them figure things out, make small mistakes, and discover that they can handle hard things. That’s how confidence gets built.
Be Personal – Strong relationships are one of the most powerful protections a child can have. Being personal means showing love and acceptance not just when things are going well, but especially when they’re not.One thing I talk about a lot with parents: be careful about labeling your child. Calling a kid “bad,” “lazy,” or even “the difficult one” does real damage over time, because kids internalize those labels and start to believe them (hello toxic stress) What you can name are emotions and behaviors — “You look really angry right now” or “Hitting isn’t something we do in this house” — while making it clear the child is always loved, even when the behavior isn’t okay.
And when your child is struggling, match your approach to them — their personality, their learning style, their specific needs. One size never fits all in parenting.
Be Progressive – Kids change constantly. What worked at age four probably won’t work at seven. What worked at seven is almost definitely not going to work at thirteen. Purposeful parenting means staying curious about who your child is right now and adjusting as they grow.Knowing what’s developmentally typical for your child’s age can take so much pressure off — for you and for them. A lot of the behaviors that drive parents to the brink are completely normal for a given stage of development. That doesn’t mean you ignore them, but it changes how you respond when you understand what’s actually going on developmentally.
And when you notice your child trying something new — using their words instead of their fists, asking for help instead of melting down — acknowledge and celebrate it!!! That’s how new behaviors stick.
Be Positive – This one has a few layers to it.
Be positive in how you see your child — leading with love for the person, even when you’re setting a limit on the behavior. Research is pretty clear that punishments rooted in fear or pain (like yelling or spanking) don’t actually teach kids what to do differently. They just teach kids that the adults they depend on can be a source of threat — which is the opposite of what any of us want for them.
Be positive in your outlook — kids pick up on our energy more than we realize. When you believe they can do better, they often do. “I know you can handle this next time” lands very differently than “Why do you always do this?”
Be positive in how you reinforce what you want to see. Catch your kid being good. Notice the effort, not just the outcome. The behaviors you pay attention to are the behaviors that grow.
Be Playful – I hear parents say this one feels impossible to prioritize when life is busy and everyone’s running on empty. I get it. But play isn’t just for kids — it’s how kids learn, how they process their world, and how they experience connection with you.
Twenty minutes of reading together. Getting on the floor and following their lead in whatever game they’re into. Letting them be in charge of the play for once, instead of the other way around. These moments do more for your relationship — and for their development — than a lot of the structured, intentional parenting stuff parents tie themselves in knots over.
And sometimes…being playful in a tense moment is just the thing that breaks the tension entirely.
Be Purposeful – This is the one that holds all the others together. Being purposeful means staying mindful of your child’s needs and being intentional about how you respond.
Especially when it’s hard. Especially when you’re depleted, stressed, or running on empty yourself.
Because here’s something I see play out constantly in my work: when a parent’s own basic needs aren’t being met (sleep, connection, confidence, support) they have less to give. You can’t pour from an empty cup. This is not a personal failing. That’s just how humans work.
So being purposeful also means taking your own needs seriously, not as a luxury but as part of the job. It means remembering that the word discipline literally means “to teach.” Not to punish. Not to control. To teach. That shift alone changes everything about how you approach the hard moments.
What This Looks Like on a Regular Day
None of this is about grand gestures. Purposeful parenting lives in the small, repeated moments most people never see:
- Pausing for just a second before you respond to a meltdown, instead of matching your child’s volume
- Saying “I can see you’re really frustrated” before you launch into consequences
- Getting on the floor and letting your kid lead the game — even for ten minutes
- Coming back after you snapped and saying “Hey — I raised my voice and that wasn’t okay. I’m working on that.”
- Asking yourself honestly: “What is my child’s behavior actually trying to tell me right now?”
- Noticing when they do something right and saying so, out loud, specifically
None of it is perfect. All of it adds up.
To the Parent Who Feels Behind
If you’re reading this and running through everything you wish you’d done differently — the years of just surviving, the patterns you’re only now starting to recognize, the things you can’t take back — I want to say this clearly: It is not too late.
Kids are genuinely responsive to change. A parent who starts showing up differently today doesn’t erase the past, but they absolutely change the trajectory. And the act of repair — going back and acknowledging when something went wrong — is one of the most powerful lessons you can give your child. It shows them that relationships can survive hard moments. That love doesn’t check out when things get messy.
You don’t have to become a completely different person. You just have to stay curious, keep showing up, and — when you get knocked off course — come back on purpose.
That’s what purposeful parenting actually is.
The Work Happens IRL
If you’re one of the parents I work with, you’ve heard me say this before: the most important work doesn’t happen in my office. It happens IRL (in real life) — at 7am when everyone’s rushing and something spills, at bedtime when your kid is stalling and you’re done, in the car, in the middle of the sibling fight, in the moments nobody puts in an IG highlight reel.
That’s where this lives. Not in the perfect responses — in the honest, imperfect, keep-going ones.
For more information on Purposeful Parenting check out these resources:
https://americanspcc.org/the-
https://americanspcc.org/the-
https://www.ohioaap.org/wp-
QUOTE FOR THE WEEK
“A man asked his gardener how his plants grew so beautifully.
The gardener replied:
‘I don’t force them to grow. I remove what stops them.’”
-unknown
