Men and women don’t speak the same language. It’s a truth that’s been noted in countless books and blogs. But here’s what often gets overlooked: we rarely take the time to learn each other’s language.
If you’re in a relationship with a man—romantic or not—here’s something you need to know about getting him to open up.
Don’t look at him.
Yes, you read that right.
This might seem strange, but it’s a technique I teach often to women in my office, whether they are dealing with their romantic partner or an adolescent son. How do you see men interacting in the wild? Are they leaning across the table looking into each other‘s eyes showing emotion?
No. They are staring straight ahead, looking down the fairway, at a television screen, at a sports match, at the road ahead while driving. I like to believe this has to do with hunting parties in early ancestral days. Men staring out of the bush, looking for a lion or tiger or bear to come by for the hunt. The eyes stay on the target ahead, even while communication is happening.
Contrast that with women, who historically connected around the campfire, tending to the home, engaging face-to-face. Eye contact was a form of connection, even comfort.
So, if you want the man in your life to open up, or even more importantly, if he begins to open up, don’t look at him! Continue staring ahead or going about the activity you were doing. Allow him to speak and only give small prompts or encouragement.
Don’t raise your voice. Don’t startle the animal!
Don’t swivel your head and make eye contact. This increases the degree of intimacy to a level that most men are not ready to tolerate, even from a person they are romantically involved with.
When it comes to real depth of emotion or vulnerability, most men are already reluctant to give voice to their inner thoughts. A display of emotion can be overwhelming at moments like this.
Just, stare, ahead.
Men need, sometimes even want, to open up.
To admit to fear or anxiety or hope and joy.
But it’s not programmed into us socially to go about it the same as women.
And if we’re going to ask men to understand women better, turnabout is fair play. Your man needs to open up if he wants to connect, but he’s going to go about it differently than you might.
This is a first step on how to encourage that.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“…it’s not what you say, but how you say it – saying things in a way that the other party can hear, understand, and accept.”
Dr. Todd Giardina 
